Hey Curious Lot,
I know it's been a while!
I think the last time I sent out something I had said that I wouldn't put any pressure on myself to have a specific format but I realised that was just a lie and an attempt to escape accountability. For this to work and not fall off, I kind of have to set some commitments and the best kind of commitment is a public declaration.
So here I am, committing to sending out a newsletter at least once a month. This commitment is valid for this year. Please feel free to reply to this and remind me of this commitment in case you don’t get anything within the next month.
Now that we are done with the expectation and commitment setting, here is what has been on my mind.
What I am thinking about
One of the values that I hold very deeply is honesty. I really try my best to be honest and straightforward about things. This however doesn't always land well and I am sometimes unable to uphold this value. Telling the truth can sometimes be really hard. It requires courage and conviction. There is also the need to deliver the truth with empathy. We all have examples where we felt like honesty was used to excuse a lack of consideration.
With this in mind though, I still believe that the danger of not being honest far outweigh the risks of hurt feelings. Delivery matters but focusing too much on delivery I think can sometimes lead to a lack of clarity. Unclear communication is more likely to cause even more hurt feelings because of misunderstandings. I bet you’ve heard the cliche advice:
“The key to a healthy relationship is communication”
-Everyone, everywhere
I think respect is an even more important element in maintaining relationships and lying often undermines respect. When you lie to someone, even by omitting the truth, you are disregarding their autonomy.
“When we presume to lie for the benefit of others we have decided that we are best placed to judge how much they should understand about their own lives…their reputation, how they appear or prospects in the world.”
-Sam Harris
Just to clarify, I follow Sam Harris’ definition of lying in his essay “Lying”.
“Intentionally misleading others when they expect honest communication”
So here I am not talking about situations where your loved ones would appreciate a white lie to cheer them up. I am referring to situations where honest feedback would be valued, especially from one’s close circle.
Think of the people who audition for TV talent shows with so much confidence but with little talent. Their lack of awareness is so striking that we find something comedic about it. In an attempt to protect the person’s feelings, the close family and friends of such people end up hurting the person by allowing them to be ridiculed by others. The people that are closest to us are actually best placed to deliver the truth as gently as possible but we often don’t give each other that gift.
My opinions aside, research also suggests that all forms of lying (including white lies) are correlated with less satisfying relationships1. So telling ourselves that a lie is what is best for a relationship is a lie.
I know this sounds very black and white and there are probably many scenarios you could think of where lying might be a good option or even deemed necessary. Values are, however, meant to be aspirational. We are human and bound to not always adhere to what we are striving for (in fact we often behave very differently from what we think we believe2).
I still think it's worth committing to values such as honesty as a way to remind ourselves to try our best and tap into the courage that is needed to lean into honesty when needed. Moreover, intentional honesty is more likely to come from a place of kindness because the point of it all is to be transparent with others about our thoughts and reality. That way, we give others a chance to make decisions and make sense of things with clear information. It enables us to deepen our relationships and establish trust. Also, honestly, it just makes life so much easier!
How do you think your relationships would change if you committed to honesty?
What I am listening to
I am such an economics fangirl and this tickled me in all the right places. The discussion around incentives, decision making and field experimental design was just 🤯 !
Audiobook: How to Be Perfect- The Correct Answer to Every Moral Question by Michael Schur
The title is a bit misleading. It’s meant to be satire. The book attempts to break down moral philosophy in an easy and digestible way (with lots of humour too!). I think I got into the moral philosophy rabbit hole when thinking about the whole honesty thing. Also, Michael Schur wrote “The Good Place”, so if you are a fan of the show, I think you’d enjoy this as he frequently references it. I haven’t watched it but I am still thoroughly enjoying the comedic flavour.
This is currently my top mix. It’s such a jam in the morning! From Alicia Keys to T-Pain, the playlist is such a great throwback. It brings out the youth in me.
What I am reading
Book/Essay: Lying by Sam Harris
This is the piece of writing that really inspired my thoughts for this newsletter. It put a lot of my strong convictions into words. It’s a book that reads like a long essay and the whole piece is available online via the link above (I am very sure that Sam Harris wouldn’t mind).
Some of my favourite quotes from the essay:
“Honest people are a refuge. You know they mean what they say; you know they will not say one thing to your face and another behind your back; you know they will tell you when they think you have failed — and for this reason, their praise cannot be mistaken for mere flattery.”
“We have no reason to believe that social conventions that happen to stabilize in our selves as primates at age of 11 lead to optimal human relationships”
“To lie is to recoil from relationship”
Book: Beautiful World, Where Are You by Sally Rooney
I have been reading so much African literature I started feeling like the stories were sounding the same i.e. a woman denied freedom and is now on a journey to find her voice and independence. So I decided to pick up something completely opposite. I find Sally Rooney’s characters really unlikeable and that’s what I love about her books. The grapple I have with the characters is really engaging.
Book: The Sex Lives of African Women by Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah
This was a gift from a colleague and honestly, it was so spot on! The book was so fun to read and it also kind of shifted my mindset around relationships and sexuality. Let’s just say that I am now not as scared of divorce (this could be a whole newsletter in itself).
What I am watching
This was such a light, funny and wholesome watch! If this is what kids are watching right now, must be nice.
Dance Video- ChezaCheza Dance Foundation
These kids really kill it!! They are such great dancers and their mindsets are just inspiring. This is a cause that's really close to my heart and will talk more about it in the upcoming newsletters but in the meantime, you can check out more on ChezaCheza here.
Dance Video: Ysabelle Capitule | Mulatto - Muwop | Midnight Masters
I have watched this more than 30 times and I am not exaggerating. Ysabelle is such a beast and she embodies my dance goals, especially her musicality and flow.
P. J. Kalbfleisch, "Deceptive Message Intent and Relational Quality," Jouma/ of Language and Social Psychology 20, nos. 1-2 (2001): 214-230; T. Cole, "Lying to the One You Love: The Use of Deception in Romantic Relationships," JoL/ma/ of Social and Personal Relationships 1 8, no. 1 (2001 ): 1 07-1 29.
Ajzen, Icek. (1991). The Theory of Planned Behavior. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes. 50. 179-211. 10.1016/0749-5978(91)90020-T.