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What I am thinking about 🤔
Do you ever have conversations where you spend a few minutes (sometimes hours) afterwards trying to figure out…what just happened? what did they mean? did I miss something?
I often have this experience and am sure you’ve probably had a couple of these. I am a chronic overthinker so I suspect the frequency in which I have these moments is higher than average. The point though is- it happens!
For the sake of simplicity (and some comic relief), we will call these conversations “mathogothiano moments”.
[Mathogothanio is a Kikuyu language word that means a chaotic or complicated or messed up situation. It is mostly used by sheng speakers.]
Mathogothiano moments happen everywhere but they tend to be highly concentrated in workplaces.
Mathogothiano moments irk me to the core! I even set up a whole women-only community (Heels & Green1) where we help each other decipher workplace mathogothiano moments.
Mathogothiano moments happen when we use generic jargon and indirect language that is unnecessarily convoluted! Saying things like:
“Let’s touch base and try to get the low-hanging fruit right off the bat. I suggest though that we look into the synergy within the team before we kick this off. ”
With a straight face!!!
And everyone will nod in agreement 😳.
Or starting interviews with questions like:
“Tell me about yourself” when you mean “Tell me about your background and how you think it fits into this role”
I think people use indirect language because “that’s just the way it is”. 🫠
Anthropologists and language experts try to be neutral when describing indirect communication cultures saying that “it’s just different”. They often even praise indirect communication styles for “maintaining harmony” and saving face.
It breaks my heart that we insist on maintaining indirect communication and yet it can be really damaging.
For one, it’s really bad for diversity and inclusivity. Indirect language is often known to a couple of insiders within a certain culture. Anyone who is not aware of the hidden meanings is heavily penalized. In the workplace context, there are class, gender, race and able-bodied elements to the “secret” codes and languages used.
For instance, younger people are more likely to be discouraged by job descriptions and settings that have lots of “business speak”2. It becomes even harder for people from disadvantaged backgrounds as they aren't included in the networks where indirect "professional" language is used3.
Besides the inequality effects in the workplace, indirect communication can generally be emotionally damaging. This is because indirect language is often paired with bottling up emotions. “Maintaining harmony” comes at the expense of allowing others to violate your boundaries. Saving face becomes a way of fostering shame.
Although indirect communication seems like an easier, safe or even “professional” thing to do, it makes things worse. It puts a strain on our mental health, compromises our physical health and gets in the way of building deep and meaningful connections.
This is not to deny how difficult it is to learn direct communication, especially if you’ve been raised in a culture and/or family setting that fiercely protects indirect communication. Shame is often used to enforce indirect communication styles and this usually leaves a valid deep-seated fear of hurting people’s feelings.
But if you dare want more emotional relief.
If you want to connect with others on a deeper level.
If you yearn to experience the contented happiness that comes with engaging in meaningful connection.
All the discomfort that comes with direct communication will be worthwhile.
I dare you to choose discomfort over resentment4. I dare you to choose courage and mean what you say!
Ps: If you are interested in navigating the balance between being true to your intentions of kindness while also being direct, there are two resources5 that I’d highly recommend:
Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues by David Bradford and Carole Robin
Non-Violent Communication A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg
What I am listening to 🎧
Spotify Wrapped Highlights by Spotify
Since I don’t have an Instagram profile to post my music highlights for the year, I will use this platform to share. I am constantly in awe of the creativity and level of excellence that Spotify’s data team continues to exude.
Econ Talk Podcast: Agnes Callard on Meaning, the Human Quest and the Aims of Education
I absolutely love Agnes Callard for her work on Aspiration and Becoming. I think she’s a true gift to our generation. I was super excited to listen to this and mahn! Ma'am Agnes did not disappoint. It sounded like she was using the podcast session to flesh out her ideas for an upcoming book with a theme around our future selves and it sounds very 🔥. I cannot wait for another book drop. I especially love how she genuinely disagrees and debates with the host. It was refreshing to get some heated, respectful and intellectually stimulating dialogue. It’s a nice break from one-sided interview formats.
The Knowledge Project Podcast: Tobi Lütke- Calm Progress
I am clearly a huge fan of this Knowledge Project Podcast because it seems to feature in this newsletter every time without fail. For good reason though. I repeated this episode so many times because of the gems that were being dropped every other minute! Whew 😪. CEO of Shopify, Tobi Lütke, talks about the importance of long-term thinking in business (which I think is often lacking), the role of a founder CEO, innovation in a large company and so many other fascinating topics that I can’t even remember now. I should have written notes 🤔.
What I am reading 📚
Essay: Things could be better by Adam Mastroianni
This is more of an academic paper in psychology but written in a super fun way. If I was allowed to write and publish with such simplicity, clarity, honesty and character, I’d sign up for academia in a HEARTBEAT!
The paper describes how we tend to always frame things in terms of how they could be better. The authors did a lot of experiments to test whether there are factors that would sway this disposition but seems like it’s pretty deeper than that! It’s such an intriguing finding and I loved the experiment design.
Book: Tribe of Mentors- Short Life Advice from the Best in the World by Timothy Ferris
This past month has been a slow reading month and so I took up a slow physical book that has a very low commitment and light nature. The book has many short interviews on some recurring questions about life, happiness, decision-making and personal habits. I am thoroughly enjoying the very short pieces and the insights from the different interviewees.
What I am watching 💻
Youtube Video: Why Japan’s Internet is Weirdly Designed by Answer in Progress (Sabrina)
The title is actually a really great summary of the video. The wild part that’s difficult to summarise is Sabrina’s INSANE effort to make this video. My goodness! This babe always uploads all her code and datasets after attempting to research her way through very obscure topics. This channel really embodies the fun, difficulty, uncertainty and frustration of learning. They are always emphasizing that learning is a process and it’s all about the journey as opposed to getting things right on the first try.
If you can, please support their Patreon because GADDAM the Answer In Progress team is doing a huge service to us the general population.
Marvel Movie: Black Panther- Wakanda Forever
It’s been a long time since I have been to a movie theatre but I made it my mission to go watch Black Panther. I watched the first one in the cinema and I wanted to keep the tradition going. Also, the hype around the movie honestly caught up on me.
My thoughts? The movie did not match the hype. Not even close to it. Very meh and cliche story 🥱!
Also, it was so so long OMG. I had to persevere through the last 20 minutes. But maybe I didn’t get it because I haven’t watched other Marvel movies. Apparently, I hear that they are all connected (you can tell how much of a fan I am 😅).
Quotes I am pondering💭
“Choice of attention—to pay attention to this and ignore that—is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences.”
from The Biggest Bluff by Maria Konnikova
“Language is such a unique and powerful tool that we invented as humans and yet we don’t use enough of it”
-Trizzer Kimani
Heels & Green is a networking platform for young professional women in Africa. Our mission is to create a space where women can connect, share and learn from each other's experiences. Through this community, we hope that women will feel empowered to achieve career and economic mobility, knowing that they are supported. Find out more (or join) Heels & Green here.
Research by Business in the Community
Zachariah C. Brown, Eric M. Anicich, Adam D. Galinsky, Compensatory conspicuous communication, Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, Volume 161, 2020
The great teacher, Brene Brown said!
These resources can be a bit limited because they have heavy cultural references and contexts from a direct communication culture (aka Amerika). It would have been ideal to get perspectives from people who have learned direct communication within indirect cultural contexts. Ps: if you want to fund some research or help publish a book *HINT*HINT* 😉😂