Can we be friends?
On Adult Friendships...
Before jumping in- just want to say thank you to the regular readers and subscribers. I see you and appreciate you 😀 ! Also, welcome to the 18 new subscribers that have joined us, we are now at 100+ subscribers 🥳.
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What I am thinking about 🤔
According to research, the most consistent predictor of happiness is having strong and quality relationships. We often think of relationships in a romantic sense but this effect also applies to friendships. On the other hand, we are apparently losing our network of close friends, considering that people now have an average of two confidantes, down from three. I wouldn’t take this statistic too seriously though. The research participants were only Americans so the study may be only applicable to similarly developed countries. Either way, from my lived experienced, I feel like it’s just getting harder to make deep connections, especially as an adult.
Adult friendships are difficult to navigate. Life gets in the way, people move locations or just grow apart. I think the greatest threat to adult friendships though is optionality - “the ability to freely abandon one person/group for another”1.
Remember in Primary school, on your first day when everyone around you was new? You’d scan the room and think “hmmm” 🫵 that one will be my friend. Most of the time, they didn’t turn out to be your closest friend. You’d instead end up connecting with another classmate who you probably least expected to be friends with. This is because you were in a low optionality setting, whereby you were forced to interact with others for a long period. With time, you got to learn more about your classmates and would eventually gravitate towards people that you gelled with, based on multiple interactions.
A lot of adult social settings are nothing like Primary school. When you are at a networking event, party or club, you can easily decide that you dislike someone based on first impressions and opt out of an interaction. These initial interactions are however often clouded with bias. Also, most people only get comfortable being their authentic selves after a little while. Others are just really shy.
Adult socialization can also feel convoluted. There is this underlying sense that there are unspoken rules about how to make (and keep) friends and we all should already know how to go about it. Truth is, it feels awkward for most of us. How do you make a bid for friendship without seeming overly eager? What if someone misinterpreted it as an attempt to flirt (especially with the opposite sex)? How do you define closeness? When do you know that closeness has been mutually established? And how would you express a desire for more closeness and vulnerability?
I honestly don’t know. I don’t think one can know without taking a risk and trying. Making (and maintaining) adult friendships requires us to put ourselves out there. It requires intentionality. Sometimes it works really well but there is a possibility that you can get rejected when attempting to get closer to someone. That’s okay though. Considering that relationships make our lives richer and deeply fulfilling, I think it's worth the risk.
The good news is that you can minimize such relational risk. Low optionality situations (such as group holidays) provide an environment where it’s easier to organically make friends. Such settings allow you to spend more time connecting with people and rely less on first impressions (which are mostly inaccurate).
How do you make friends? How do you make bids to connect deeper with the friends you’ve made?
“I sometimes feel like being stuck on a desert island with someone is the only way to interact with them truly sincerely.”
Ps: If you are looking to make new friends, my friend (Njeri) curates breathtaking trips that are intentionally low optionality in nature. Check out Traveling Wakili.
What I am listening to 🎧
I joined one of Traveling Wakili’s trips in Watamu around two weeks ago and I had the honour of playing the music during a whole-day dhow trip. This was the beginning of my DJ career. Everyone gave me such amazing feedback on the music- I must admit that I got very gassed up. But the people asked for a playlist, who am I to disappoint?
Introducing 🥁 the first volume of the DJ Wanjiks’ Playlist Series. It’s chilled, danceable and vibey. It has a mixture of African music, RnB and British vibes.
Playlist: 254 Flow, East Mpaka London
This is a really vibey Kenyan mix. I came across new songs from Buruklyn Boyz’s new album (East Mpaka London) on this playlist and went into a Kenyan Drill rabbit hole. It’s soo raaahhhh! Reminds me of Asakaa (Ghananian Drill), which I shared in my first newsletter. Some of my fave songs from the album include The Intro, Cellie, Catalyst and Ex.
Audiobook: Empire of Pain- The Secret History of the Slacker Dynasty by Patrick Radden Keefe
After listening to an autobiography last month, I decided it’s a genre I’d really want to get into. This book narrates the lives of three generations of the Slackers - a wealthy family that got their wealth from making and making OxyContin (a blockbuster painkiller that was a catalyst for the opioid crisis). I usually try not to attach morality to money because I believe that money is only a tool that reveals character as opposed to creating it. This book though left me feeling all types of ways about wealthy people. I’ll probably need a moral philosophy book to soften me up again.
Audiobook: Bullshit jobs by David Graeber
This is a really interesting analysis of meaningless and fulfilling jobs i.e. bullshit jobs. It ties in really well with what I think about talent. It left me wondering whether it’s possible to reach a level of efficiency where people can be matched to fulfilling and meaningful jobs based on their strengths and interests. Where workers have sufficient leisure and wages are optimized for well-being and social value. Although it was interesting, I didn’t like how the book had a clear far-left political leaning. To make it worse, most of the evidence is presented in the form of anectodes from his immediate circle. It felt like he used a biased sample to make very strong claims. Considering that the author is a renowned academic, I expected more robust research and findings on such an important topic.
What I am reading 📚
Newsletter: Overthinking Everything by David R. Maciver
A friend shared one of David’s pieces with me and I have not gotten out of the rabbit hole of reading his essays ever since then. I love so many of his pieces, I couldn’t choose one but here are some of my faves:
You should write more - he emphasizes how writing helps you think more clearly and I couldn’t agree more.
How to make easy decisions - I never tire of getting different perspectives on decision-making theory. This was a refreshing one.
Your emotions are valid but probably wrong - the title summarizes the piece really well. You probably don’t even need to read it because that’s the whole point he makes.
Book: Season of Migration to the North by Tayeb Salih
I heard about this book about a year ago and couldn’t find it anywhere. I made a note to flag it at all bookstores so that I could get a copy whenever it was available. I got a call confirming its availability this month and I think the long wait made me really made me anticipate reading it even more. Am not even a fan of flowery poetry language but I am thoroughly enjoying this particular version of “madoido”. I am also finding the book very cheeky considering that it’s in a post-colonial Arab setting.
What I am watching 💻
This really resonated with me especially given that I have been thinking a lot about friendships. Something I have heard Oprah repeat so many times about her friendship with Gayle is how she really appreciates Gayle’s consistent support and cheering, which has never come with any hint of jealousy. We all deserve a Gayle 😊.
A quote I am pondering💭
Introducing a new section 🥳.
“In my experience, both extreme kindness and hyper assholery in people are almost always born of tragedy”
Muir from What I Carry by Jennifer Longo
Excited to actively seek out these low optionality settings and see what they yield- definitely find that making and maintaining connections is harder the older I’m getting. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts though on the seasonality of friendships and how some friendships really only worked in a given period.
Love the new quote section!