What I am thinking about
Dear Curious Lot,
Hope you are having a great March!
This month, I have been thinking a lot about communication. I initially had a sense that this train of thought was mainly about how we have different communication styles (which still holds true) but that’s not my main conclusion. I just realized that I really hate etiquette!
Yeap, I do. Bold statement, I know. So let me present my case.
I’ll start with a quote by Priya Parket- an expert in facilitating communication among leaders and communities and the author of The Art of Gathering.
“the etiquette approach to life is …imperious. It is the opposite of humble. It shows minimal interest in how different cultures or regions do things.
[It is] not interested in variety or diversity, or the idea of different strokes for different folks.”
In her book, Priya Parket goes on to describe how etiquette has three characteristics:
Fixedness- it has a permanence that doesn’t cater to change.
Imperial- it holds a gold standard of what is acceptable for people who want to signal that they are well mannered.
Exclusion- it makes specific assumptions about the kind of knowledge someone should have acquired when it comes to social interactions.
Instead of etiquette, Priya suggests that we have pop-up rules when we gather for events. She argues that stating explicit rules actually brings new freedom and openness even though it may seem quite controlling or rigid at first.
I think I deeply resonate with Priya’s school of thought because I am very averse to feeling obligated to do things when they don’t particularly make sense to me. I admit that it’s a very hard-headed approach to life but I have just accepted that independent thinking is something I really value. But even with my strong leaning towards autonomy aside, one of the big lessons that I have learnt while reading, experiencing and thinking about communication is: making assumptions makes things messy. Surprisingly, great communication is not facilitated by excessive politeness or implicit dialogue rules, but by going into conversations with the belief that you genuinely don’t know the other person’s context.
David L. Bradford and Carole Robin put it really well in their book “Connect”.
“It’s less about getting the words just right and more about holding to the fundamental belief that you don’t know what’s going on with the other person.”
Holding this kind of belief also allows us to cater to different communication styles.
I understand though that the intention behind politeness and etiquette is often to signal warmth in an attempt to connect with others. But when I look around me, the warmest people that I know -those super connectors that just get along with everyone- have one thing in common. They are very charitable in how they interpret others’ actions and words. I really admire this trait. It makes it difficult to get offended, interactions with others are easy and it leaves you happier because there are fewer things to be grumpy about. Instead of approaching communication with assumptions about how others should conduct themselves, the warm super connectors approach conversations with curiosity, always intrigued about their interactions.
As someone whose day job is to identify people who can build great businesses, I am always challenged to not make assumptions when communicating with people. Any expectations about how our interactions should be conducted could lead to making a wrong judgement about someone’s character. Meanwhile, I may just be facing cultural differences or someone who is really emotionally distressed (because building businesses is SUPER hard). This doesn’t mean that I don’t expect kindness or warmness from the entrepreneurs I interact with. I’d just need to have had enough context before labelling a negative trait. My patience runs thin sometimes and I don’t always have the level of understanding needed to see through communication that I’d consider annoying (e.g. cold outreaches that are not well written or thought out). But there are always the super connectors around me reminding me that I can find great people in unexpected ways.
What assumptions do you often make when communicating with others?
What I am listening to 🎧
Tim Ferris Podcast: Morgan Housel- The Psychology of Money, Picking the Right Game and the $6 Million Janitor
I absolutely loved Morgan Housel’s book, The Psychology of Money and after listening to this podcast, my conclusion is that Morgan is a LEGEND. The core of his message is that with money, different things work for different people and personal finance is about creating a life that you want. The guy oozes so much wisdom. He also writes for a Venture Capital Fund (Collaborative Fund) about random stuff, which I find really cool. This is one of those podcasts I’ll listen to a lot of times at different points in my life.
Deep Dive with Ali Abdaal Podcast: How to Not Die Alone- Dating Experts Guide
This conversation with Logan Ury, author of “How to Not Die Alone” was so mind-opening. I haven’t yet read her book because am still mulling over all the insights from this podcast. I love how she takes a scientific approach to dating while not removing the ‘let it flow’ vibe to it.
Not Overthinking Podcast: The Pathless Path
This podcast just makes me so happy. It’s mostly banter between two brothers (Ali and Taimur Abdaal) as they come up with really fascinating theories about the human condition. In this episode, they talk about finding your own path and not just following a pre-defined path that society gives us. I’d highly encourage you to also look through the podcast and listen to other episodes where the title piques your interest. It’s top-notch content!
Audiobook: The Catalyst- How to Change Anyone’s Mind
The concept of this book is great but I honestly found it a bit disappointing and wish it drew from more research. A lot of the pointers felt a bit obvious. I didn’t get as many ‘aha’ moments as I expected. It’s well written though.
What I am reading 📚
Essay: Reward Good Bets That Had Bad Outcomes by Neel Nanda
I didn’t realize that I had subscribed to this blog a while back. I recently received this article in my inbox and it triggered a 6-hour blog-reading marathon (I literally slept at 4 am that day). Neel Nanda’s writing is FASCINATING! In this essay, he explains how he tries to create an environment where he can make good bets even when the outcomes are bad, especially given that he is anxious and risk-averse. His approach is so simple and the logic is so beautiful 😍.
Essay: When You Already Know the Answer by Neel Nanda
All the essays from Neel Nanda’s blog stood out for me but if I had to just pick another one, it’s this one. He speaks about the importance of reframing things to yourself in varied situations and provides specific frameworks that he uses when he tries to reframe things. The core of it comes to asking yourself the right questions (which are often simple).
Essay: Micromarriages by Colah
This essay is pure trolling and I love it 🤣. Homeboy then finishes the essay with a personal ad for potential partners.
Book: Joan is Okay by Weike Wang
I am such a big fan of immigrant stories. They speak to resilience, sacrifice and belonging. I have been reading lots of African diaspora stories but as I’ve mentioned in the past, African literature started getting a bit sameish for me. So I picked up a Chinese-American immigrant story instead. It’s such an easy and flowy read.
What I am watching 💻
Series: Billions
I was such a big fan of this series. The drama, finance world debacles and psychological games were highly entertaining. So I decided to catch up on the latest seasons. Boy, was I disappointed. *breathes in deeply*
They started making it all politically correct and “we-are-ethical-collaborative-changing-the-world” vibes. They now make references to Adam Grant and even got him to appear in an episode 🙉 . I can’t believe I am complaining about this. I am a fan of ESG (Environmental, Social and Corporate Governance) Principles in real life. I believe corporates and financial institutions should be socially responsible and have an impact lens. But when I am seeking entertainment, I want the action! The greediness. The lies and backstabbing. I want the drama! Cutting Axerold from the story was a bad (oops sorry if I spoilt) *end of rant*.
Dance Video: ChezaCheza Dance Foundation
Now that I just made myself mad writing that, I will leave you with something cheerful. My faves! Please check out their channel and enjoy the rabbit hole of amazing dancing from amazing youth!